Research shows that just about 85 percent of all we know we learned by listening. Yet the same studies tell us that we are "distracted, preoccupied or forgetful" more than 75 percent of the time, we're only "really" listening less than half the time and at best we remember only 20 percent of what we actually hear. My experience convinces me those "distracted, 'really' listening and remembering" figures are extremely optimistic.
Perhaps it's because the average person listens at a rate of between 150 and 250 words per minute, but we think at 1000, 2000, 3000 words and more! (And here's some really bad news: the smarter you are the more thinking you do and the less you hear!)
Simple physics tells us that no two things can take up the same space at the same time and since "thoughts are things", it's just not possible to be thinking away at a couple of thousand words a minute and hear what another person is saying.
There are at least 11 specific ways or reasons people are not listening. (Perhaps you can come up with number 12 or even 13.) And each and every one of these has to do with the person doing something other than listening.
If you can identify what you are doing instead of really listening to the other person, you can change the outcome of any communication for the better— even for the very best— and perhaps, once you make a habit of "Really Listening", you can change your life and the lives of many others for the better forever.
Here's are 11 ways you may not hear what other people are saying. Rate yourself from one to five: Never... Occasionally... Sometimes... Frequently... Always.... and learn what kind of a listener you've been up until today.
Here's the real "death of a salesman." Comparison is competition, and you never want to compete with your customers, spouse, children or any one else.
Is what the other person is saying better or not as good as something else you've heard?
To cash in on the coin of a popular phrase: "Fu‘getabou‘dit," What you're forgetting about is being right. Who cares? It's a conversation! Just listen. And of course, stay away from any assessment about the messenger and focus simply and completely on hearing his or her message.
Speaking of hearing the message: The easiest way to deliver a clear, "I don't care about what you're saying (and, therefore, you!)" communication, is to change the subject, knocking the other person off-track before she's finished.
If you're unsure if the other person is done speaking, a great question to ask is, "Are you complete?" Or, "Have you said all you want to about that?" Now, change to another topic.
Better yet, don't YOU change the subject, let the other person do it. If you just can't stand one more second of that particular conversation, simply ask permission to change the subject. "Bob, I'd like to move to a new subject. Is that okay with you?"
"Excuse me. What did you say?" Or, "Would you repeat that?" Or, What? Sorry, I wasn't listening." Oh, great! What's the communication there?
Clearly, the speaker feels she's not important— maybe she even feels dismissed by you. Not good.
Sometimes, you'll want to think about something someone has just said. Fine. Stop the conversation right there and then and say, "Wait a minute, Mary, I want to think about what you just said." And saying that is a great acknowledgment. The other person will both respect you and love you for it!
What could be more disturbing, and off–putting, than to hear your conversation partner say, "My dog's better than your dog"– or any variation on that playground theme? If you want to make a sure and fast enemy, disagree, disapprove, challenge, belittle, begrudge, don't believe, put–down or power–over the person who's talking.
If you have the thought that what the other person is saying is "wrong," fine, Tell them you heard them and express what your thought is. Disagreeing is part of communication, and it's only okay when the other side's been heard first.
We are all a product of our own unique education. It's hard work not to force what we hear others say through the filter of personal experiences, attitudes, positions, points of view and opinions. But when you do that, are you truly hearing them? Or is what the other person has just said being held up to the gold standard of your very special, one–of– a–kind judgement and evaluation?
Set your editorial commentary aside when you're listening. If you don't, all you'll ever hear is yourself.
"I can identify with that. . . . You're just like me. . . . Great minds think alike. . . ." Well, actually great minds disagree more often than not. That's how great minds grow great: they explore different ideas, challenge their perceptions, entertain new thoughts and directions.
Of course, it's fun to discover a like–minded or similar–feeling friend. However, beware and be aware of how you listen from a place of agree or disagree. If you can only hear what you identify with, you may end up lonely and ignorant. Unless, of course, you can identify with everything and everyone... Can you?
Here's a profound, and for many, perplexing truth: We make it all up. When someone says "Blue" what color comes to your mind? Do you suppose it's a different shade, tint, hue of blue from theirs? Everything is an interpretation. Even two scientists observing the same precise experiment can reach different conclusions.
Here's an example, take this question: "Is this like Brand X?" And the answer, coming from your assumption the other person doesn't like or want that is: "Absolutely not!" Then this surprise response: "Gosh, that's too bad. I love Brand X!"
The 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Interpret. Instead, just listen and find out what the speaker really means.
Oscar–winning director and playwright Mike Nichols said, "You'll never really know what I mean and I'll never know exactly what you mean." So, why try?
Clearly, knowing what someone else is thinking is, well, crazy! We cannot read each other's minds. We cannot know another's thoughts and feelings.
At times, we may be very empathetic with one another, and intuitively "on the same wave–length." And, it's always best to ask. We all enjoy the mind–reading magician, but is he who you want as a friend or partner?
When someone continuously nods his or her head, agreeing with everything you say, how does that make you feel: Secure and at ease? Usually, it makes people's skin crawl! It's the kind of thing that's given "nice" such a bad name.
Avoiding disagreement or conflict by putting on a people-pleasing- personality actually sends people in just the opposite direction: They lose trust in you and don't feel safe with you.
If you're intent on being happy, smile and listen. (You'll find it's impossible to have a negative thought with that big smile on your face. Try it.)
If you already have a plot in mind for the conversation you're having– like the structure of a novel or a drama— you're not listening. If this is the case, you can't truly hear the other person. You're too involved directing the conversation to fit with and stick to your plot...
From a slightly more "sinister" angle, plotting can also be used as a term describing those times when a person has a "hidden agenda"— a secret scheme controlling the outcome of the conversation. In either instance, creating authentic conversation is an illusion. It will be impossible for the other person to be genuinely heard.
Practice listening without an agenda. Instead of trying to "Get" the other person to see it your way, to change his or her mind, to do what you want... simply listen for a "Fit" between the two of you. "If the shoe fits, wear it." And if not... do not.
You cannot hear someone, even just a little bit, when you're thinking about what you're going to say next. There's clearly some of the "Fighter" here. A listener who's more interested in themselves and what they have to say communicates powerfully and immediately to the other person, leaving him feeling not cared for: Violated NOT Validated.
As Stewart Emery said beneath the title of his brilliant book, Actualization's, "You Don't Have To Rehearse To Be Yourself." All you have to do is LISTEN.